The older I get the more I see the importance of confidence,
especially for writers. I started down this road 23 or 24 years ago as an
awkward, physically wounded young man full of lofty ideas and grand
ambitions. Please, allow me to give a little background to explain.
On March 7, 1989, I was 16 and a pretty good athlete with the goal of becoming
an officer in the Marine Corps. At roughly 3:30 that afternoon, during track
practice, I was struck in the head by an 8 lb. shotput. For those who may
not know, a shotput is basically a cannonball. I suffered a concussion,
brain contusion, brain swelling, and physical shock. By that evening, I
was literally fighting for my life, and all of my plans, dreams, and goals were
suddenly gone. Obviously, I survived and recovered, but at 16, I had to
reinvent myself completely.
As part of my therapy, I started writing poetry to deal with
the emotions of grief, loss, anger, and fear. While helpful as a
therapeutic exercise, the poetry I created was for the most part dreadful.
Fortunately for me, however, it led to discovering fiction. By 20, I knew
for certain that I wanted to write stories for a living and dedicated myself to
learning the craft. I began writing fantasy but was soon taught by academia
that genre work, all genre work, was for mindless hacks. If I wanted to
be a real writer, a “serious” novelist, I needed to write mainstream, literary
fiction. Being young, naïve, and impressionable, I listened and forced
myself to abandon my love of fantasy literature in order to fit into the
writing program.
At first, I flourished as story after story poured out, and
my confidence soared as my skills developed. In 1995 at 22 years old and
just six years removed from the accident, I earned my first publication credit
in Aura, a small literary journal from UAB. Within the next
year, I landed two more pieces in small magazines. In addition to the
publications, I was also contacted by a well-established agent from New York
who had seen my first story and thought I had tremendous potential. Those
were his words on the phone, tremendous potential. My confidence has
never been higher than after we hung up. I was going places.
Unfortunately, he didn’t like my novel, rejecting it
outright, and the wind was sucked from my sails briefly. Though painful,
as I look back on it today, he was right. The novel was immature and
boring, so for the next year, I studied and practiced writing harder than any
other point of my life. I wanted to improve. I needed to elevate my
skills to a professional level, so I read and wrote and edited every single
day. My confidence grew once again as I saw myself improving, and I
created several stories in that period that I’m still relatively proud
of. Then, I made the decision to return to graduate school.
From the outset, graduate school was a mistake. For
the entire first year, my confidence was dashed by the pettiness, jealousy, and
negativity of both peers and professors. Workshops ran as popularity
contests and ego demonstrations. The writing was secondary.
Personality prevailed, and anyone who stepped out of line with the accepted
paradigms of the group was immediately squashed by an avalanche of
bullshit. My confidence was shattered, and I left graduate school in 1999
feeling hopelessly inept and lacking any measure of creative drive. I
gave up on writing as a career and felt hollow without that part of myself.
For at least three years, probably more like four, I didn’t
write at all, not in a creative sense. From 1998 to 2002, my confidence
was gone because of the conflicting advice and negativity of writing
workshops. Then, sometime in 2002, as I watched The Two Towers,
an epiphany struck me from out of the blue. I realized that I wanted to
write fantasy and always had. Despite repressing it during my academic
years, I still loved the genre, and since I’d abandoned any notions of being a
“serious” novelist, I could entertain the concept of creating fantasy works
without fear of academia rebuking me. But my confidence was still broken,
so I didn’t start writing straight away. Instead, I pondered the idea of
what I would create if I ever chose to write again.
For nearly a year, I mulled the concept, sketching notes and
developing the world without a tangible goal of writing anything. At the
time, I didn’t believe I had the skills to write one book, never mind the five
it would take to tell this tale. Quite simply, I lacked the confidence to
begin actually writing. Then, something magical happened. In July
of 2003, I saw my first son’s heartbeat on ultrasound, the grainy speck
fluttering at 150 bpm, and that long dormant part of me came back to life in a
rush. Watching his heartbeat, I knew the only way I could be a good
father was first and foremost to be true to myself, and at my core, I’m a
writer. Within a couple of days, I sat down at the computer and started
the first draft of book one.
When I look at the first couple of chapters of that book, I
see my lack of confidence. The narrative is unsure and halting as I felt
my way back into writing, and by far, the greatest criticism I’ve faced with
the series is the opening chapter being too slow, too full of exposition, and
to a degree, I admit I probably should refine it. However, I also see the
subtleties and foreshadowing that lay the groundwork for the entire series, and
I’m afraid of losing that foundation if I ever do rewrite it. More than
that, though, I’m proud of what those early chapters represent for me – my
rebirth as a writer, my rebirth as a man. Though not perfectly wrought,
they are pure in their approach and mean more to me personally than just about
anything else I’ve written in my life.
Today, my confidence stays at a fairly healthy level.
For the most part, I strike a good balance between believing in myself and
remaining humble. Occasionally, at conventions or online, I see other
writers who remind me of graduate school, people more concerned with telling
others how great they are than anything. They know the one right way to
do things and everyone else falls short. Regardless of their levels of
success, some considerably better than mine, these people annoy me because they
are a reminder of those who crushed my confidence, and I have to stifle the
urge to take them to task. Never argue with a fool, as the saying
goes. People might not know the difference.
My point of this whole piece is for others who have been
knocked down and worry that your voice is insignificant. Don’t let anyone
rob you of your creative drive. If you fail, so be it. At least you
had the courage and dedication to create something. If your work falls
short, go back, learn more, and try again. If some ego-driven jerk
insults your efforts, don’t let that drown you in doubt. Brush aside the
criticism and listen to your creative voice. Put forth your best effort
and believe that your audience is out there waiting for you because they
are. There is no one right way to create. There is no secret
formula. Success is arbitrary and fleeting. In the end, all that
matters is what you create, whether or not you can live with your efforts, and
the authenticity of your voice. Above all, believe that you and your
voice matter.
D.A. Adams Bio
D. A. Adams is a
novelist, a farmer, a professor of English, and in my estimation, a true
gentleman. His breakout fantasy series, The Brotherhood of Dwarves, transcends
genre and illuminates the human soul in all its flashes of glory and
innumerable failings.
He is active
on the Con circuit and has contributed writing to literary as well as fine art
publications, and maintains his active blog, "The Ramblings of D. A.
Adams". He lives and works in East Tennessee, and is the proud father of
two boys, Collin and Finn.
His ability
as a storyteller breathes life into every character, and his craftsmanship as a
writer makes these stories about relationships; human or otherwise.
Between Dark and Light
Synopsis
The stakes are higher
than ever in the fourth installment of the popular dwarven saga!
The Great Empire has surrounded the Kiredurks and are
preparing to conquer the kingdom, but unknown to them, Kwarck, the mysterious
hermit of the plains, has his own plan in action. To the east, he has summoned
an elven army and charged Crushaw with leading them into battle. To the south,
Roskin will gather an army from the fractured Ghaldeon lands. But to the west,
an ancient and powerful evil stirs.
The Great War is about to errupt, if Roskin can overcome the
Dark One...
D.A. Adams Links:
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